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missing being cold

It sucks to want to be close to someone that makes you feel like you should be 100 miles away. None of it is easy or even feels right at the moment, and I am starting to feel like running as far away as I can might be the only option. But I can't, For some reason I can't pull away from this just yet. I don't want to try anymore though, I feel like I am and have been doing all the work in this. and I am tired of it all. I love someone who doesn't love me and I don't want to do it anymore. I can't make him feel the way I do and I don't even want to try. I may have had some fucked up relationships in the past but I always new how the other person felt about me. I never in my whole life felt more for someone then they did for me and I now know how it feels to tell someone you love them and them say nothing back. I feel bad for those hearts I was so careless with. The mean things I said and thought to be funny when they were in such a vulnerable place. I will never put someone through this again, it is truly hurtful and degrading. I wish now I still had that out look, I wish I couldn't feel. The young 21 year old mean girl I once was had it so right. Love was a good time, pain never came in because it never made it passed the laughing and dancing and only ever wake with your gf, and never let anyone know a thing more then they needed,, oooo I miss being so sure. I miss being in charge and not knowing the pain of rejection.. this sucks.. 
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October 2012

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