I am starting to see whats wrong, I am so insecure with myself and my past I act out. I take something that isn't broken and out of fare of losing it. I break it! I take my very own two hands and crush all the life, love, and feeling from it. This isn't ok behavior, this isn't even something I want to do. I try so hard to make it right, to be perfect for it, that I am actually pushing away the one thing I want.
We'll take today as an example, I woke up around 5:30 and laid in bed with Aron cuddling till about 6am he is the best cuddler and I love mornings like this. Trying to get somethings done before Lillian woke up I jumped in the shower and started to get ready for court. "I'll explain later" Lill wakes up about 7 am and I make her and Aron both breakfast sandwiches. I brought the food out, Aron got the drinks and we all sat down and eat together. it was a very nice morning. Since I had court and Tracy is in school and Lillian is no longer aloud at Davids or his moms. "I'll explain later" Aron said he'd keep Lill, for what I thought would be just a short time.
Well court went on forever and my 8:30 am court date turned into me not getting home till almost 11 am. And when I walked in the house I figured they were both asleep, or dead. Lol, but no they were chilling in our room watching the Incredibles. Lill was jumping around acting like a super hero. It really was cute and not at all what I excepted to walk into. He did a great job with her and she's sick with a cold, he didn't complain one bit that I took forever. My heart smiled just a bit, because he really is so good with her. :) So I claimed in bed with them and Lill got mad at first I was on her side, with her pillow. "My side, my pillow" lol, So I told her I was her pillow and she snuggled up on my lap and we watched the movie together.
Aron went over my court papers and we talked about the out come and what I have to do next. He is always doing that kinda stuff, going over things, helping me to understand. If you know me at all you know that is a hard task. hehe, I try my best but I don't always get things the first, second or even third time. Aron for the most part is very understanding about it while we are going over things. It is when I don't fallow up with the things he has clearly told me I need to do that he gets grumpy with me. They are my things and he is helping, I know I should do them but I forget so easily, But I wont anymore now that I am back on my meds. It is just going to take a little time to get myself straightened out.
By the time I finished telling him what happened and what I had to do it was lunch time and Lill and him were both hungry. I made Lill her grilled cheese "just cheese" and Aron a grilled cheese with ham and tomato. While I cooked lunch Aron moved the laundry downstairs for me and rinsed out the morning dishes. Telling once again that "they are easier to clean if you do this right away." lol. I joke and say, " he's welcome to do them anytime." "that he can show me how its done, if he does them." Think maybe that would get me out of the dishes, but it didn't. He rinsed them and set them all to the right side of the sink ready to be washed. I mean his hands were already wet, I don't see why he didn't just do them. Just saying.
I wasn't so hungry, side effect of this lovely med they got me on. So I just ate tomato slices and peppers with a bit of salt and pepper on them. Surprisingly Lill ate hers all gone, first thing shes ate in almost two days since she's been sick. She laid down for a nap, so I figured I would try to get some cuddle time out of Aron. Sounds simple enough, But he went straight to the computer. Were he sat playing youtube video's for what seemed like forever, I had just got a new bra and pantie set from walmart earlier "sale $9 for both" They were very cute, so I put them on and came up behind him. I rubbed his shoulders and asked him if he wanted to see them he looked smiled and said they were cute. Then went back to his video's. So I rubbed his neck and asked if he wanted to come lay down and I would rub his back. Remember we had a great past two days, he's been sweet and nice and everything's been great I don't see why I shouldn't offer my man a back rub if I am happy. Well, he didn't move and didn't pay much "any" attention to me at all just kept doing what he was doing. Grrrr..
I figured forget it then, and went in the bed room put my pj's on and turned on a chick flick. Boo to me, well boo to you mister...
After about 10 minutes into my movie he came in to the room and laid down next to me on his tummy, looked up and asked me with a cute ass smile on his face "Am I still getting my back rub." I said "um, maybe 20 minutes ago." His smile went away and he turned his head the other way. After a moment I said " If you want though you can lay your head on me and I'll play with your hair" Something I like doing. He replied jokingly " Maybe 5 minutes ago if you were nice." Well he laid on me anyway and I played with his hair. He was falling asleep and now I was feeling needy, he didn't come after me when I asked and he didn't come after me when I was in my cute new undies right in damn front of him. So I pressed on, knowing damn well it was only going to make a problem where there might not need to be one. I was hurting and I nagged. ahhh...
I hate nagging but I hate holding anything inside, he got up and got in the shower. When if I wouldn't have nagged or got so defensive I might have gotten the attention I wanted in the first place. When he was done in the shower he came in the room and started getting dressed. I asked him what he was doing, " Getting ready to head out, going to the shop I guess" I then got panicky. Asking him to stay, he was still seeming to be in a good mood. I started to cry, he told me I was being needy and he would see me when I got home. He kissed me and I didn't kiss him back, I told him I was hurting and wanted him to stay. He didn't get why I was hurt, and really now neither do I to some point. He left the room again and I started to cry more, after a moment he came back saying I am really leaving now, giving me a kiss and don't be calling me mad because I left and your upset. I told him not to leave then, not yet. Lillian was sleeping and he was here, I wanted to use that time alone to do something.
He makes it out like I just want sex, and really I don't.. I don't care if we just lay in bed talking, we can kiss, we can joke. I would love to just get to know one another. I love hearing him talk, and I love just having him close. But sometimes, most the times, I feel like I am asking too much to want to get to know him. I want him to get to know me, I want him to want to... I want to tell him so many things I have never told anyone. To lay in bed and get lost in conversation, him playing with my hair as I tell him all my dreams. Comparing stories of our life's opening up and being there for each other. I want to feel like I can tell him anything, I want him to be my safe. It would be so nice if we could playing around all day every day, always touching one another softly and random kissing. These are the kinda things I need the things I want.
The last 2 days have been so much better, and I bet if I didn't freak out the first time he pulled back from me they would have gotten better and better. I want them to get better, I love this damn man and it's not about wanting sex or wanting to be touched or wanting to get my way.. It's about feeling wanted, it's about knowing with out a doubt your partner wants you more then any thing else. That they love you for you , every hair on your head every freckle on your body. That they want to know all about you and tell you everything about them, with out you or them having to feeling fare of being judged by the other. Because you both know were you stand and that your love would do anything to keep you smiling. It's about Trust, Love and Sharing your hopes and dreams. Not just through being together in the same place, but through communication and through really living them out together.
God was this a rant and a half!!!