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Sep. 19th, 2012

Something of nothing

I have felt at a loose of control lately and it is a feeling I can do with out. Many things in my life just happen and I have no control over them, But I am determent to take what I can change and change it to work for me. Because in the end what really matters is if I am happy or not, because if I am not and Lill's not then what was it all for. I got my priorities in line, I know what they are! Take care of mr so I can take care of Lill, do my best to keep a roof over her head and always work for a better future for her and I.

This means the two of us, I do have strong feelings for Aron and I would like to see us make it. But it is no longer going to be on my list of priorities. I have decided to hand that one over to him, If he makes it or breaks it, well that will be on him. His wants and needs are his and mine are going to be mine for now on. I am no longer going to keep working hard at something that I can't see were any of my effort is going and not knowing if it is wasted on someone who is not going to put the same efforts into me. So it is handed over, do what you will with it Aron.

Well I got all my PACT time in order "hopefully" I will start this week. All I have to do is call the portage street department and get times. I should get it all done in 2 and a half days. Woot. And then all I have is one class with picdos and a movie I have to watch and done. :) I wont be getting into anymore trouble the rest my darn life I tell ya. I am getting on the right track I am not drinking I am not going to put myself in that place again. Like I said priorities are in order. 

There is alot to do today, I have an appointment with a lawyer in Merr to see what I can do about David and this whole custody thing. I hope she can tell me what I want to hear. I hope I can get what I want to and that it all works out for the best. but who knows. Wish me luck.. xoxox Tiffany

Sep. 13th, 2012

Just some stuff..

I have two babies today and they are moody.. This seems to be the trend when they get together lately. Like they wanna kill each other! It doesn't matter how small or useless the thing is they are fighting over it. Who stands where, who gets this or that.. Ahhh.. Mommy is going to get it all and stand there then.. Haha, this is what it is coming too.. I have also made the new rule of no playing ini the bed room. They each get to pick something to play with and they can play with it in the living room and only on the play time blanket. When they are done or want something new they have to clean all of what they were playing with up and put it back. I am so sick of the mess.   
Lill is sleeping and bub is laying on the couch for some reason not wanting to fall asleep. Boo I would like to work out a bit but with him awake I don't see it happening. I have to stay in the living room and I work out in the bedroom.. I haven't worked out all this week, Aron's been two days of the week and yesterday when I had the place to myself. Well I had so much cleaning and laundry to do I just didn't get around to it. I will work out today though, I have to stay with it. Already my arms are more tone and my legs a bit, I lost 10 lbs and want to loss 10 more. that would put me at 128 and that I think I would be fine with. It is way better then being in the 140's. I truly don't mind the number so much as long as I am in shape toned up and looking sexy with my clothes off. I really want abs.. :) 
 Aron and I are doing good, I decided to just stop. Stop worrying about what he's doing and thinking, and the attention I am not getting and I decided to start putting all that thought into what I'm doing and what I want. Focus on what I can control to make me feel good. To just start doing what feels natural to me for me. And he just started well paying more attention to me. I'm thinking that since I wasn't looking for it and I wasn't excepting it, he was able to want to give it, want to be by me. Want to please me! And then, well it felt nice. I feel nice, I feel so much lighter knowing I can be me, I'm my main focus and I'm still making him happy with out trying to hard. 
Let's throw a little to do list out there for next week seeing since I have a bday party Sunday I haven't got much of my stuff done. 
1. Sign up for spring classes and get my fasfa's done. 
2. Paint kids room
3. Pact time done
4. clear out storage
Ok that's enough for one week seeing I still have a whole house to clean too.. lol..
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Sep. 11th, 2012

(no subject)

I am starting to see whats wrong, I am so insecure with myself and my past I act out. I take something that isn't broken and out of fare of losing it. I break it! I take my very own two hands and crush all the life, love, and feeling from it. This isn't ok behavior, this isn't even something I want to do. I try so hard to make it right, to be perfect for it, that I am actually pushing away the one thing I want.

We'll take today as an example, I woke up around 5:30 and laid in bed with Aron cuddling till about 6am he is the best cuddler and I love mornings like this. Trying to get somethings done before Lillian woke up I jumped in the shower and started to get ready for court. "I'll explain later" Lill wakes up about 7 am and I make her and Aron both breakfast sandwiches. I brought the food out, Aron got the drinks and we all sat down and eat together. it was a very nice morning. Since I had court and Tracy is in school and Lillian is no longer aloud at Davids or his moms. "I'll explain later" Aron said he'd keep Lill, for what I thought would be just a short time. 

Well court went on forever and my 8:30 am court date turned into me not getting home till almost 11 am. And when I walked in the house I figured they were both asleep, or dead. Lol, but no they were chilling in our room watching the Incredibles. Lill was jumping around acting like a super hero. It really was cute and not at all what I excepted to walk into. He did a great job with her and she's sick with a cold, he didn't complain one bit that I took forever. My heart smiled just a bit, because he really is so good with her. :) So I claimed in bed with them and Lill got mad at first I was on her side, with her pillow. "My side, my pillow" lol, So I told her I was her pillow and she snuggled up on my lap and we watched the movie together. 

Aron went over my court papers and we talked about the out come and what I have to do next. He is always doing that kinda stuff, going over things, helping me to understand. If you know me at all you know that is a hard task. hehe, I try my best but I don't always get things the first, second or even third time. Aron for the most part is very understanding about it while we are going over things. It is when I don't fallow up with the things he has clearly told me I need to do that he gets grumpy with me. They are my things and he is helping, I know I should do them but I forget so easily, But I wont anymore now that I am back on my meds. It is just going to take a little time to get myself straightened out. 

By the time I finished telling him what happened and what I had to do it was lunch time and Lill and him were both hungry. I made Lill her grilled cheese "just cheese" and Aron a grilled cheese with ham and tomato. While I cooked lunch Aron moved the laundry downstairs for me and rinsed out the morning dishes. Telling once again that "they are easier to clean if you do this right away." lol. I joke and say, " he's welcome to do them anytime." "that he can show me how its done, if he does them." Think maybe that would get me out of the dishes, but it didn't. He rinsed them and set them all to the right side of the sink ready to be washed. I mean his hands were already wet, I don't see why he didn't just do them. Just saying. 

I wasn't so hungry, side effect of this lovely med they got me on. So I just ate tomato slices and peppers with a bit of salt and pepper on them. Surprisingly Lill ate hers all gone, first thing shes ate in almost two days since she's been sick. She laid down for a nap, so I figured I would try to get some cuddle time out of Aron. Sounds simple enough, But he went straight to the computer. Were he sat playing youtube video's for what seemed like forever, I had just got a new bra and pantie set from walmart earlier "sale $9 for both" They were very cute, so I put them on and came up behind him. I rubbed his shoulders and asked him if he wanted to see them he looked smiled and said they were cute. Then went back to his video's. So I rubbed his neck and asked if he wanted to come lay down and I would rub his back. Remember we had a great past two days, he's been sweet and nice and everything's been great I don't see why I shouldn't offer my man a back rub if I am happy. Well, he didn't move and didn't pay much "any" attention to me at all just kept doing what he was doing. Grrrr..

I figured forget it then, and went in the bed room put my pj's on and turned on a chick flick. Boo to me, well boo to you mister... 
After about 10 minutes into my movie he came in to the room and laid down next to me on his tummy, looked up and asked me with a cute ass smile on his face "Am I still getting my back rub." I said "um, maybe 20 minutes ago." His smile went away and he turned his head the other way. After a moment I said " If you want though you can lay your head on me and I'll play with your hair" Something I like doing. He replied jokingly  " Maybe 5 minutes ago if you were nice." Well he laid on me anyway and I played with his hair. He was falling asleep and now I was feeling needy, he didn't come after me when I asked and he didn't come after me when I was in my cute new undies right in damn front of him. So I pressed on, knowing damn well it was only going to make a problem where there might not need to be one. I was hurting and I nagged. ahhh... 

I hate nagging but I hate holding anything inside, he got up and got in the shower. When if I wouldn't have nagged or got so defensive  I might have gotten the attention I wanted in the first place. When he was done in the shower he came in the room and started getting dressed. I asked him what he was doing, " Getting ready to head out, going to the shop I guess" I then got panicky. Asking him to stay, he was still seeming to be in a good mood. I started to cry, he told me I was being needy and he would see me when I got home. He kissed me and I didn't kiss him back, I told him I was hurting and wanted him to stay. He didn't get why I was hurt, and really now neither do I to some point. He left the room again and I started to cry more, after a moment he came back saying I am really leaving now, giving me a kiss and don't be calling me mad because I left and your upset. I told him not to leave then, not yet. Lillian was sleeping and he was here, I wanted to use that time alone to do something.

 He makes it out like I just want sex, and really I don't.. I don't care if we just lay in bed talking, we can kiss, we can joke. I would love to just get to know one another. I love hearing him talk, and I love just having him close. But sometimes, most the times, I feel like I am asking too much to want to get to know him. I want him to get to know me, I want him to want to... I want to tell him so many things I have never told anyone. To lay in bed and get lost in conversation, him playing with my hair as I tell him all my dreams. Comparing stories of our life's opening up and being there for each other. I want to feel like I can tell him anything, I want him to be my safe. It would be so nice if we could playing around all day every day, always touching one another softly and random kissing.  These are the kinda things I need the things I want. 

The last 2 days have been so much better, and I bet if I didn't freak out the first time he pulled back from me they would have gotten better and better. I want them to get better, I love this damn man and it's not about wanting sex or wanting to be touched or wanting to get my way.. It's about feeling wanted, it's about knowing with out a doubt your partner wants you more then any thing else. That they love you for you , every hair on your head every freckle on your body. That they want to know all about you and tell you everything about them, with out you or them having to feeling fare of being judged by the other. Because you both know were you stand and that your love would do anything to keep you smiling. It's about Trust, Love and Sharing your hopes and dreams. Not just through being together in the same place, but through communication and through really living them out together.  
God was this a rant and a half!!! 

Sep. 10th, 2012

(no subject)

So, today was the start to new meds. I have been off my adrall for too long,. Life has gotten up side down and I am boreder line depressed all the time. I am unemployed and broke and bored. but now that will all change.. I am back on the balll.. :) I am on 15 mg of adral a day and 100 mg of Bupropion. One for the Add and one for the anxity I get all the time. Yay, thats me... One moody sad girl lately. :)

I have court tomorrow, Idk if I mentioned that I had gotten an OWI a few months back but I did.. I go to court tomorrow, My lawyer said him and the prosocutor came to an agreement and it will get dropped to a reckless. I will have 30 hours of pact and I have to take a class 4 times. It is all out of my bond and there will even be some money left. I know this doesn't sound perfect but if it were to stay an OWI I could face jail time and owe a bunch of money. I just got lucky I only blew a .10.. That is only 2 over the limit. jerks should have just let me go, I mean that is only three beers. Not even a buzz. I know that sounds bad but its true, A .08 is like two beers. I learned this in bartending classes. I am better off now though, out of the bar life I need to stay away from drinking all together. The new meds are going to help with that since now I have a good reason to tell people no when I am offered.. :( That is the hardest part, I suck at saying no, I need to work on it..

Aron and I are doing good, I think now that my mood will be more stable and I am sleeping again "ADD" I wont be so damn sencitive. So many things I over react about that I shouldnt and I know I shouldn't but when your tired and mad its hard sometimes.I think the not drinking will help alot too. He said he wanted to slow the drinking down alot too so hopefully he will because that will make a big difference in how I handle it too.. :) I am hopefull.. That and the only time we do really fight is when we are both drinking. I think mainly becauseI say what I want when I think and I know I can be kinda rude and too truthful. The whole reason I wont drink around my real dad. You'll never beleive the mean things a hurt little girl can come up with. Words are like daggers and I'll aim for your heart. So I just keep sober and keep quite around good ole dad. 

You know I read my own writing and I suck at grammar I really do. I have taken countless English classes and will be taking more and yet it doesn't and wont matter.. I will always suck at this. Everythings a run on, my parraghraphs drag out. I put commas were periods should be and the other way around. I can't spell and I jump subjects way too much.. Well I guess its a good thing my sister is the only one who has ever read this.. lol.. 

More on life, Lillian turns 3 tomorrow. Time has flew by so fast I can't stand it. I just want her to freeze just the way she is, all smiles and singing all the time, giving me hugs and kisses. I want her to always want to hug me all the time. I don't want her to be a bratty teen that wants nothing to do with me. Thats how I was with my mom, we never got along were never close, we never ever ever did anything together ever when I was growing up. All my girl motherly time was spent with karen, I don't think my mom ever once painted my nails. I mean I don't even remember her brushing my hair. Karen taught my to shave my legs an how to get in grown hairs, how to cut and file my nails and how to put an outfit together, even though I still suck at that. The point is she was the one who showed me all the girly things and did all the fun mom stuff with me. I love her, and miss her. 

Man I need to start writing a bit more often.. I miss it and it feels good.. this is day one on these meds and I think I took them a bit too late. I wont be sleeping tonight. Thats fine by me though. I have been having soo many dreams about Jay "Popa" it isn't even funny, I love and miss him and I like thinking about the good times. but the dreams I have don't remind me of the good times, they remind me of the crazy near the end times. When he would freak, Last week one night I had a dream he was so angry he started tearing the wessex house apart brick by brick. I hate seeing this kinda stuff, I don't want to remember the freak outs I don't want to think about them at all. 

What would be nice is if I could dream about late night cook outs, I mean 2 am trip to walmart for steaks and 3 am were cooking out and making all the sides. I miss his steak samwetches and the chicken soup. I miss hearing the guitar playing through the house late at night, I know I hated it then But I even miss the snoring. I want to dream about when I was really little at our village house, I never had many friends when I was young and there wasn't much for me to do, and he would sit and paint with me. He wanted so bad for me to go into the arts. Iether drawing painting or cooking... He really wanted me to go into cooking, would talk to me about going to france and learning there. so many things I could have done if only I had listen to that man when I had the chance. I Hope Lill will take what I say and use it, but I dout she will just as I didn't. I can only hope to do my best and that she'll be smarter then me.. I just wish she could have known him, he sure would have loved her...

Aug. 24th, 2012

All around

This week I have moved my house all around. Aron hasn't really complaind so I amm taking it that he likes it.. Lol, he has only slightly joked about it. But I feel better being here now that there is a bit more flow in the house now I can worry about things I need to be worring about with out the messy destraction.. :) 

Today I have so much running to do and I am going to get it done. We leave tonight to go camoing with friends and I can't wait. So I have to get all that done as well... :p boo. and while he is at the shop doing who knows what. Wish he would help but I dout he will.. I am set on going though and will go weather he does or not. He is going to try and get the party bus done so we can stay in that in stead of the tent but idk about that yet Iether. boo. I really dont care iether way. 

Well going ot make some phone call's and going to get things done. later. 
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hm, Lets keep our figures crossed...

Libra and Aquarius love compatibility 
They should suit each other perfectly . Warm, sensual Libra joins with enthusiasm in Aquarius's erotic fun and games. Also, diplomatic Libra knows must how to get around Aquarius's quirky stubborn streak. Libra is waiting for a support from the Aquarius in this life full of adventures. They both like to live in a society and will participate in public affairs. They have a lot of friends, however they do not forget their own interests. While there are some aspects of their personalities that will irritate the other they will find it easier than most signs to compromise. The opinions of others mean very little to Aquarius he/she cannot understand how Libra can be wounded by a cruel remark from someone else and will possibly feel that Libra is being over sensitive. They will be happy together, even without perfect sex. This is a sensual connection and a good forecast for the conjugal relations.

Aug. 23rd, 2012

Schuler fisk

I don't want us to fall apart today or ever your the one who said you'd never leave. There's no good reason for giving up and all this mess is just bad luck so please don't lose your confidence in me. I wish I wasn't so fragile cause I know that I'm not easy to handle. Baby please don't forget you love me today, o my baby please don't forget you love me today. I don't want to fell like this but I m so tired of missing you I don't wanna beg for your time but I want you mine all mine.. I wish I wasn't so fragile, cause I know that I'm not easy to handle. Baby please don't forget you love me,  don't forget you love me today, o my baby please don't forget you love me, don't forget you love me today. I bet you smile when you think of me, you love me mess in the morning and the freckles on my knee, o baby please. Baby please don't forget you love me,  don't forget you love me today, o my baby please don't forget you love me, don't forget you love me today O baby sweet baby, o, ooo my baaaby sweet baby don't forget you love me. 

Aug. 17th, 2012

Day at the zoo

It was a good day, I was cleaning. I got one room done and had art time with Lill when I got asked to go to the zoo.. So, I went. Aron's sister Sherri came and picked us up around noon, she had her two kids "Dylan, and  Alyssa"  her mom and other brothers GF "Gina" with So there wasn't much room in the van. So I sat in the middle of the two seats on the floor. It wasn't so bad though. The two little's Lill, and Dylan kept me entertained the whole ride. laughing and taking pics. tickling eachothers feet. hehe.. Good times rolled on to the zoo.
We started out by the Tigers and they were lively today, jumping up on the stumps and standing on their back legs on the gate. Lill loved it. We moved on to the monkeys where I Tried
to convince Lill That this is where I got her from and the monkeys were her real mom and dad.. But she's to smart for that and just laughed at me.. lol..
We walked att through the zoo seeing the birds and reptile houses, we made our way through the petting zoo. Where we decided Chula looked like a goat. ha.. Lill and Dylan had the best time feeding them, hence, I am out of quarter's.. But it was definitely worth the seventy five cence. lol..
The grand ending was the tower where Lill wanted to know it Rapunzel was still up there.. lol, she is too darn cute.. We ate lunch just out side the zoo on some public picnic tables and the kids ran around, some how not tired. The ride home was me on the floor about the same as the way there just sandier..
Aron got home not too long after we did, so I made dinner while he ran his cousin to cash a check we ate and he fixed my car.. yay, it is fixed.. lol.. Now Lill is finally asleep and I am bored while Aron watching scary movies I am " for very good reasons" not allowed to see .. But it's ok, I don't mind blogging for an hour so he can watch um. It helps me un wind for the night.. 

All in all we had a pretty good day and I loved it.. :)

Going to get better

Oh my, After two months of no meds I now have a months worth. And my insurance will be going through any day now, So Northshore here I come.. I can not go any longer with out my ADD meds. My whole life is falling apart and I am an emotional mess. Idc what people with out this disorder think, people that really have ADD fall apart with out it. I can't get anything done and I never really know what I even need to do, and even though I am stressed and know things need to get done and want to do them so bad I just can't get myself up to do anything. Mostly do to the fact that I am always so tired but no matter what I can not sleep more then two hours with out waking up. I don't mean the kinda waking up andd falling right back asleep, I mean sitting straight up out of a deep sleep and being wide awake after only sleeping two hours, and then laying there watching the clock for hours just fighting the alarm clock. I hate it. and I am so depressed and emotional because of it. All I want is to sleep and be fucking normal. Whatever that is, and for every little thing to not seem like a mountain and to not cry because I can't read a damn paragraph without looseing my place a hundred times.. It makes me mad!!

But that is all over now, I have meds and I have insurance and I can make all mine and Lill's apointmants "doc, dentect, everything" and just get it all done now. Ahh,, I will be able to sleep again. I will be back to normal and not completely crazy. I have a plan, I am going to get a job with Caceria and the home she works at, and I am going to get my cna and go back to school. I am going to go for something medical. I may do nursing since you can always find a job as a nurse butI would much rather go for fisical therapy but we'll see.. 

Well this is getting to be the longest post I have done in a long long time so I am going to call it a day.. Late.

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Aug. 15th, 2012

feeling simple

Not to  much has been going on in my life as of lately. Been running errands and cleaning  house. We "Aron and I" have a small 2 bedroom house. The way it is set up is kinda cool, we use the back door as the main entrance. You walk into a porch "needs work" B4 you walk into the house, the first room you enter is the kitchen, very small but easy to move around and not too bad on storage now that I have organized the cabinets. Walking past the kitchen you come to what I know is supposed to be a split between the dinning and living room area. Aron has his desk to the right "were the table should be" and then the couch and tv past that. Out the front door is a huge closed in porch "would make an awesome BR, Just saying" in the center of the living room to the left is a small hall with equal size bed rooms at either end and a bathroom in between them. Through the kitchen is a staircase leading to the basement AKA the dungeon, where we keep storage and do the laundry. The yard is awesome and are street is quite. But the space inside gets to be, well, not enough when all three kids are here.. I am really hoping I can get Aron to turn the front area into a master br, it really would make scene and if we are to be here another year we need the space!

Food wise I am so interested  in going gluten free, Aron has skin issues, he said cerise  But after hours of looking online, I am sure it is Guttate Psoriasis. It looks nothing like cerise. I have my ADD and we both need to loose weight. I have not yet done anything gluten free but have been doing alot of reading on it and it is supposed to make a huge difference with behavioral disorders "ADD" and A good gluten free diet is supposed to help with both things. 
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