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falling out hurts more then falling

I know I did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve all the negativity that comes flowing out of him. I do not believe it even has anything to do with me. He has his own pain and his own issues, that are not mine. I do not have to be the punching bag for his pain and I don't have to be left to feel it is me that's wrong. I like who I am, I am happy with me, I love me, and if he doesn't see what I see in me. Well that will be his loss and his down fall..

I do love him, I do, I have seen in him a man that could do so much, that could do anything, that is kind and has so much heart, But I can only do so much for someone so guarded, and I can't make him happy if he doesn't want to be.  I want to be here, I want to help him, But he has to help him self first. Until he does I can't allow myself to be brought down, I am a happy person, and he needs to see that the only way to make life and love work is to let go of the hate and pain from the past and just be. 

The thing is I am not hurting so much anymore. I am on the side of it now were I am more numb to the pain. When he gives me those mean looks, insults me or pulls away from my touch, I don't feel so uncomfortable with it. I do feel alone, but I am getting so used to that, I do feel rejected or hurt, but I don't care so much anymore. I almost feel no need to look at him or to even try to understand why. Because the more thought I put in to it the more pain it causes and the more happiness to takes away.  

I hope he pulls through this, I hope we can work it out. I even hope he lets me in, but I am done hurting and putting myself out there. I just hope it all happens soon, because a person can't help falling in love, but they also can't help falling out. Like so many things in this world falling out of love is final for me, I can't re enter I can't hit reverse. I do dread the thought of letting him go, But when that last feeling is broke and all my love is gone, I wont think twice I'll just be well, over it, and long gone. 


October 2012

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