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Oct. 12th, 2012

This brings back memory's of something forgotten :)..

Long were the nights when
My days once revolved around you
Counting my footsteps
Praying the floor won’t fall through, again
My mother accused me of losing my mind

But I swore I was fine

You paint me a blue sky
And go back and turn it to rain
And I lived in your chess game
But you changed the rules everyday
Wonderin’ which version of you I might get on the phone, tonight
Well I stopped pickin’ up and this song is to let you know why

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home, I should've known.

Well maybe it’s me
And my blind optimism to blame
Or maybe it’s you and your sick need
To give love and take it away

And you'll add my name to your long list of traitors who don't understand
And I'll look back in regret how I ignored when they said

'Run as fast as you can’

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

Dear John, I see it all now it was wrong
Don’t you think nineteen’s too young
To be played by your dark, twisted games
When I loved you so, I should've known.

You are an expert at sorry
And keeping the lines blurry
Never impressed by me acing your tests
All the girls that you run dry have tired lifeless eyes
Cause you burned them out

But I took your matches
Before fire could catch me
So don’t look now
I’m shining like fireworks
Over your sad empty town

Dear John, I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Cried the whole way home

I see it all now that you're gone

Don't you think I was too young

To be messed with
The girl in the dress

Wrote you a song, you should’ve known.

You should’ve known
Don’t you think I was too young
You should’ve known.
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Oct. 11th, 2012

10 mins to go

I have a few mins be for I have to leave to do pact time so I thought I would drop a line. This last week has been good, Aron and I have been doing better though I have STOPPED doing somethings I used to. I know I didn't post about it but my birthday was a BAD day. I am not going to get into too much detail but believe me when I say I wanted to hurt someone the next day. And only one person would have fit that place. Since realizing how much slack  I do pick up and the fact that I don't need to be working so hard for the crumbs I am getting in return I have put a hold on somethings and I feel better for it.. 

He has been noticing this, and has been well picking up where I left off.. I am still at this moment very upset, and will be. I want love, I want trust!  I don't want to just have a lover. What I want is a best friend someone I can be confident to confide in, someone who see's who I  AM, all of me and wants me just that way. I want to be able to love him and trust him with no doubt that he trust and love me the same, I want to know he would rather be by my side then be anywhere else with out me. I don't want to be pushed away or hurt, if he is scared or confused I want him to be able to share with me and work through it. I want all this with Aron! But if things don't get better and stay better, I will have to give that want up, Because I don't know if its a guard he has up or if he really doesn't care for or love me. I know people are different but when I love someone I want them to be happy and know it, I don't want to hurt them or make them feel pain. If you love someone you want the best for them.. 
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Oct. 6th, 2012

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh

I am so sick of being sad!!!!!!!!!!

I love me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I am awesome. Why doesn't he see it. 

He needs to go back to work, He is sad, he is depressed, he is taking it all out on me!!! 

I don't know how to make it better. I don't know if I would have the strength to if I did..

I hate this and I hate that I am starting to hate him..

It sucks letting go of someone.. I hate the end, I hate good bye.  

I wish I could just not care, I wish I didn't feel so hated so pushed away so un loved.. 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I hate this. I hate him..

I want things to be ok. I don't want another failed relationship, another broken heart. 
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Sep. 29th, 2012

hateful

I am feeling so damn bitter.. I don't want to do this anymore, none of it is making me happy at the moment. I feel hated, I feel angry, I feel so frustrated!!!  I have so many damn un pleasant feelings right now and no one in the world to make me feel any better about a one of them. All I get is more negative pushed my way.. I want to be better I want to be happy. I want to be me again. I am a good person a happy person.. I hate that I feel like I can't be myself around the person who is supposed to make me feel the most safe. He is mean and hateful he is angry and I hate how damn shitty he can be. he saids mean things, and I feel like it is all meant to hurt. He is mean mean mean... I am getting so damn resentful I am starting to feel just as hateful inside as he is to me. I get it I get it all.. 

falling out hurts more then falling

I know I did nothing wrong, nothing to deserve all the negativity that comes flowing out of him. I do not believe it even has anything to do with me. He has his own pain and his own issues, that are not mine. I do not have to be the punching bag for his pain and I don't have to be left to feel it is me that's wrong. I like who I am, I am happy with me, I love me, and if he doesn't see what I see in me. Well that will be his loss and his down fall..

I do love him, I do, I have seen in him a man that could do so much, that could do anything, that is kind and has so much heart, But I can only do so much for someone so guarded, and I can't make him happy if he doesn't want to be.  I want to be here, I want to help him, But he has to help him self first. Until he does I can't allow myself to be brought down, I am a happy person, and he needs to see that the only way to make life and love work is to let go of the hate and pain from the past and just be. 

The thing is I am not hurting so much anymore. I am on the side of it now were I am more numb to the pain. When he gives me those mean looks, insults me or pulls away from my touch, I don't feel so uncomfortable with it. I do feel alone, but I am getting so used to that, I do feel rejected or hurt, but I don't care so much anymore. I almost feel no need to look at him or to even try to understand why. Because the more thought I put in to it the more pain it causes and the more happiness to takes away.  

I hope he pulls through this, I hope we can work it out. I even hope he lets me in, but I am done hurting and putting myself out there. I just hope it all happens soon, because a person can't help falling in love, but they also can't help falling out. Like so many things in this world falling out of love is final for me, I can't re enter I can't hit reverse. I do dread the thought of letting him go, But when that last feeling is broke and all my love is gone, I wont think twice I'll just be well, over it, and long gone. 
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Sep. 25th, 2012

Your name forever the name on my lips.

I didn't mention Aron. We had a great weekend fallowed by a horrible Sunday night. The evening was great but maybe it got to comfortable, and he had to find something to be sooo angry about I guess. The boy can make me fall for him everyday and break my heart every night and he wouldn't notice the difference or even try to make it right. Blah..

It gets so frustrating, and is not so much as confusing lately but more lame and the games seem to be getting out played.

  
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Cluster fucked...

I need to get my shit together.. I have tons of things to get done and take care of and  my head is a mess. I re set my appointments and now I just have to make sure I am going to have a sitter for all the times I am going to need to be places.. That is the hard part. I don't seem to have any body with anytime to keep Lill for me anymore. I just need to get to some appointments. Damn and ever place I go said I have to have a sitter that I can't bring her with. I don't know why she isn't bad and pretty much just sits next to me. But I guess it's just an over all rule.. 

Well I worked Friday at this really cool club called Aquavor. Idk yet if I have to job but I am really hoping I do because I need to start working. I need to have money to spend and save and pay bills with. blah,, Being out of work for 2 months is along time and I am getting sick of it. I am only looking for like one night a week because school is starting and I am going back full time. I want a job that pays well and has benefits. A job I can be proud of for Lill,I want her to be able to look up to me. :)

I want to teach her to stand up for her self and to always be able to rely on herself over anyone else. And to always aim to do something she can be proud of but not to be afraid of failure because it is a chance to learn and grow. Idk I know I sound cheese right now, but I never had anyone working with me for me about me in anyway and I want Lill to know she is worth her hard work and anyone that will ever want to be in her life should be willing to but her first and work just as hard for her as she has. just saying.. 

So I have to make a few more appointments, School, FASFA, and some doc stuff. I also have to make sure I have time to get my storage cleared out soon.. ahhh.. That is going to be a mess.. and I am not looking forward to it.. I would say it is two days work to empty it. But it'll be more then that to go through it all.. The next weekend I don't have Lill that is what I am doing. I should have done it this past weekend but I didn't so whatever...

 
Late

Sep. 24th, 2012

(no subject)

It's that point when you know that you and all that you come from has fallin apart and no matter how bad you want it or how hard you try there is nothing to be done that'll ever make it right again.

This is just about how I feel about my family. Don't get me wrong I loooove my family deeply, but we are all so broken. The damage is so deep I dout there is any coming back for any of us. I don't see any of us having a normal or happy life. I don't even think a one of us would know what happy was if it hit us in the face. It isn't something I can ever remember being around, but I know it is out there. it just isn't meant for us I guess. I know we deserve it, I don't see how a family that has went through so much pain can keep going with out some chance of ever being happy. 

The worst part is out of all the painful roads we have been down we are loosing our self's. There isn't a sence of family anymore, there isn't much of love or care in our meetings. We don't touch hug, We don't make any point to be around one another anymore. as though we all know something is wrong then, something "someone" is missing. We can't face each other because we can't face the truth. 

This truth is fighting at us all, it is pulling inside of us and eating us alive. I feel it every day, and I know the rest of us do too. I know I am not the only one hurting and wanting a way out. I can't be. I want so bad to be able to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to let it all out, but I can't because if I do I might never be able to pull myself together again. 
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Sep. 20th, 2012

Yeah I can be a bitch

So last night was my fault for sure. I seem to have acted like a complete brat last night, and I feel bad for it. I am not going to beat myself up too much for it because it wont get me anywhere to do so. I just wish I could be better at using my words and getting my point across.. I do have a quick question, Has anyone every told you they loved you and you said nothing to them? Was it because you didn't love them back or was it because you were scared or because WHAT? This is just bothering me, and I wish I could just have the answers to everything but I know I can not. 



Today Tracy brought Bub to me and that was nice seeing most all my driving these days is back and forth from her house. booo.. I love keeping my Bub though.. :) We have already had two big bobo's today. Bub hit Lill in the head with a hard plastic star wand and she has two bloody holes in the top of her head. The he pinched his fingers in the clip to a back pack.. ooo  Boys are to destructive. lol.. Well they are both feeling better now so we just had snack and are going to go play out side b4 nap time.. late.   


Sep. 19th, 2012

missing being cold

It sucks to want to be close to someone that makes you feel like you should be 100 miles away. None of it is easy or even feels right at the moment, and I am starting to feel like running as far away as I can might be the only option. But I can't, For some reason I can't pull away from this just yet. I don't want to try anymore though, I feel like I am and have been doing all the work in this. and I am tired of it all. I love someone who doesn't love me and I don't want to do it anymore. I can't make him feel the way I do and I don't even want to try. I may have had some fucked up relationships in the past but I always new how the other person felt about me. I never in my whole life felt more for someone then they did for me and I now know how it feels to tell someone you love them and them say nothing back. I feel bad for those hearts I was so careless with. The mean things I said and thought to be funny when they were in such a vulnerable place. I will never put someone through this again, it is truly hurtful and degrading. I wish now I still had that out look, I wish I couldn't feel. The young 21 year old mean girl I once was had it so right. Love was a good time, pain never came in because it never made it passed the laughing and dancing and only ever wake with your gf, and never let anyone know a thing more then they needed,, oooo I miss being so sure. I miss being in charge and not knowing the pain of rejection.. this sucks.. 
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